Friending Muslims - Tom S.

Imagine:  About two years ago you moved to a Middle Eastern country for a temporary work assignment. You toured around a bit, learned enough language to shop in local markets, tried out the local foods, and have returned home after a satisfying experience abroad. You’ve invited an old friend to sit down outside with you while you barbecue chicken on the grill. Putting down his iced tea he says, “What an amazing experience for you; tell me what the people are really like when they’re at home.” Suddenly you experience shock. Your spatula and your smile hit the deck and you respond, “I…I guess I don’t know. I wasn’t ever invited into someone’s home.”

Truthfully, I’ve never heard an American tell this story about living abroad. 

But I have heard versions of it from Muslims who have lived for years in the USA. Offering hospitality to strangers is common in some cultures and rare in others, and Muslim cultures often have a high value on showing hospitality to foreigners.

My guess is that for many Americans, entertaining a Muslim individual or family may sound a bit intimidating. After all, aren’t they so very different and thus there exist infinite ways to cause offense? But this is simply human.

The love of God is in you. You have riches upon riches to share with a Muslim neighbor, colleague, or friend. Hospitality is simply a way to help them taste it.

So how do you get started? While I don’t believe there’s one right way to go about this, here are a few thoughts which may help.

Pray. Start praying not only for your friend but for yourself. Ask to be given the mind of Christ toward your friend. Pray specifically for your friend’s needs as you understand them. Add to your prayers matters you learn about though each encounter. Ask others to pray for your friend, as well.

Relax.  Your friend(s) are human beings and have the same everyday concerns as you. They equally are aware that your culture is different than theirs and will normally understand that your ways are different. And to repeat: God has given you treasures and gifting and promises which qualify you to be a blessing to other people. Be thankful for the privilege that you will get to share these blessings.

Don’t read books on Islam. What I mean here is that there’s no reason for you to become an expert on Islam before you start being someone’s friend. Your friend is a multi-dimensional person with an extended family whom they love, an educational background, job experience, interests, and even hobbies. As you get to know them better you will learn their likes, dislikes, hopes, and fears. Yes, they have beliefs, but no book, however helpful in explaining their religious tradition, can tell you everything about them. So, feel free to read about Islam as it is helpful to your friendship, but realize that just as is the case in North America, one’s religious affiliation doesn’t tell all that a person either believes or holds dear.

Develop and ask questions. Questions open doors to friendship. By asking you will learn what is important to your friend, and he will know that you are interested in him and what he cares about. Ask open questions—the “Who?” “What?” “When?” “Where?” questions--that can’t be answered with a simple, “yes” or “no.” “Why” questions are okay but take care to avoid sounding combative. 

Avoiding alcohol and pork among what you serve will likely be appreciated by your Muslim guest. Through asking questions, you may discover that these are okay with your friend.

Be ready in the conversation for an occasional awkward moment and use it to ask another question. Often, cultural differences are in play, and you simply need to learn them. You might learn, for example, that asking questions about family is fine, but a man asking a lot of questions about female family members is considered inappropriate. Or your friend might ask you detailed questions about your politics or how much you paid for your furniture.  

One cultural difference I learned abroad is that friendship itself means different things in different cultures. For us in the West, friendship is often about sharing affinity with others, and mixing money with friendship taints its purity. For others who experience daily need, friendship might reasonably contain a utility component and so in the background your potential friend may be asking himself, “Is this person one whom I can trust to give and receive help?” He may also expect you’ve asked the same thing about him. 

Persevere. Don’t let the occasional faux pas discourage you. It’s not what you do, it’s what you do next. If you commit an offense, you may have inadvertently opened a door to exhibit humility through asking forgiveness. Conversely, if you’re the offended party, the situation can be turned into an opportunity to help them understand your culture’s norms or even to model, what forgiveness is like in a way they have never experienced. 

Nothing invested in a relationship is wasted. Through making and keeping a friend, both of you gain a place in each other’s life with attendant privileges. One of those is being there to offer comfort and care in times of trouble.

Pray. Yes, we’re back where we started. But this time I’m suggesting that when your friend tells you of his trouble, that you politely ask if you can take that need to God together in prayer. Let him know that you will pray in Jesus’ name. Right then. Out loud.

It’s very unlikely he’ll refuse.

This is beginning to sound easier than friend-making in the West, don’t you think?